Powerlessness

Thoughts of you linger
Like the smell of freshly cut grass in the summer air.
Sun blazing in the blue sky.
Everything is still.
The trees paralyzed
In the heat of the mid day
Comparable to the underlining fear within me.
That doesn’t go away.
Others admire the beauty that they see.
Unknowing of the battle within me.

The endless loop of Addiction:tumblr_no4omerwfx1u2p5p4o1_500

It was all a show. And I was the main actress.
The feelings of abandonment, isolation, and loneliness carved a hole in my heart that was eternally endless. When did this hole begin to form?

Events that were outside of my control began to slowly eat away at me from a young age. My father whom suffers from alcoholism, leaving when I was 12. The negative messages I began to tell myself. The seeds I planted in myself became deeply rooted to my subconsciousness. He doesn’t love you, You’re not good enough, You don’t deserve to be happy, It’s your fault, He would stop if he loved you, He would have stayed.

I began to feed my discomfort, my anxiety, my desperation to feel loved, feel important, feel worthy. I placed these expectations into the hands of a man. The need for validation, for acceptance, has been a reoccurring theme where only slight details have changed. I became enmeshed  and codependent at age 15 and onward in my romantic relationships. Instant gratification and relief quelled my discomfort, but only temporarily. Adding chemicals into the picture when these relationships ended was the recipe for the perfect storm. 

This was the start to my opiate addiction at age 22. A mixture of unhealthy codependent relationships, depression, and drinking lead to myself surrendering to the devil… Fentynal.

It was the summer of my 3rd year of nursing. I began to pack my ex’s belongings into boxes. I had called the landlord in order to inform him of the need to break the lease. Somewhere in the 2 years of an intense and unhealthy relationship, feelings of growing apart set in. I tried to latch on in desperation as the fear of losing this person overtook me. “I don’t love you anymore”,  His voice deep, and emotionless. I lost myself. I had no identity. Who is Monika? Just Monika? I couldn’t answer that. I am only beginning to recover who I truly am after years of being in emotionally abusive relationships. That night was my first encounter with fentynal and cocaine. The details do not matter. I just want to emphasize that in this period of my life I got involved with unhealthy individuals, that took advantage of my vulnerability. My part in this situation was not setting boundaries, not recognizing my self worth, and not reaching out for help.

Summer ended and I was to begin my 4th and final year of Nursing. I put on a mask. Towards myself, and everyone. Denial. I wasn’t living, rather merely surviving. I was now physically dependent on fentynal and could not go more than 12 hours without being sick. The vicious cycle began. Powerlessness.

Powerlessness over the new relationship I began, and powerless over fentynal. The insanity of doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results began. Within 3 months, September-November the un-manageability became debilitating. The secrets, having to withdraw from nursing, losing my apartment, living couch to couch and at times street to street, losing my family, and losing myself.

This was the beginning of the most difficult time in my life that lead to jails, institutions, and even death.

 

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